Its not even a month into the new year(2012) and Ive already moved. I’m currently staying at my uncle mark’s house in California. I had an interview for Virgin America airlines. But I’m pretty sure I blew it. So now I have a certain amount of time before I wear out my welcome and will probably move back to Hawaii. Which is exactly what I don’t want to happen. I’m already doing exactly what I did at home.. sit around all day. . fml. It’s got to stop. Honestly. It does. I have a couple more interviews this week

  SOOO… I’m giving myself until the end of this month. If I haven’t secured a job or some sort of reason to stay here, I’m going back to Hawaii. Its my hope that this wont happen.

 Okay, so I might have a HUGE problem. I was SO set on going to that college in New Mexico. I still am. But honestly, I’m not sure if it’s the right thing for me to do. I just found out I don’t have the scholarship anymore, so I’d have to get help paying. And honestly, I’d rather not put that burden on my parents anymore. PLUS I’ve been in school for so long already. AND I really know everything I need to know to be a photographer. I’m TOTALLY not happy where I am now.  Parents recently don’t acknowledge me anymore…. Found out the kid wasn’t mine (so everyone who said otherwise was right…fml).  and quite honestly, there’s no one here that I can really be a friend with without being majorly judged. If I DO go to this school in January, I’d be there for four more years.  I’m honestly not sure if I’m okay with that. Everyone I know is out of school and working. PLUS they’re living on their own. I just want to leave!!

My only solution at the moment would be going to LA. Last time I went there I left early. I also had to. But that’s not the point.  The point is, is that I had secured a job, lived with friends and totally could’ve just done it. I just need to grown the fuck up already. One small reason to leave and I did.  WTF am I so uneasy about?? I’ve done this before! 

I have friends I could totally stay with until I get on my feet but honestly, I’d feel like such a fucking burden. And theres no way I’m a squatter. If I get there, I’m hittin pavement for jobs. I really do need to get out of here.  Like everyday home just gets worse and worse. Like theres probably one day out of the week I’m not in tears. And the more I think about it, the more New Mexico in January seems like just an excuse and is sounding like a bad.. BAD idea.  

If I DO go to LA, I’d have to stay. No more of this “Dave just leaves” shit. Which is gonna be hard at first, but I’d have to just keep reminding myself that my REAL family is there. People who I love being around are there.  PHOTOGRAPHY is there.

Idk bloggers. Maybe I’m just losin it. But In my opinion shits gotta change. Even a messed up kid like me is entitled to SOME happiness!  

Due to my lack of self-involvement in this world, I’ve decided that extremes must be taken in order to regain “a life”.  The opportunity had arisen to travel outside the country and quite honestly; I have no problem with it.  BUT… in order to do so I believe that a plan in detail needs to be decided on, as does a goal of course to action. As such, the easiest way to support myself by living abroad would be, (in my mind) to teach. And what subject could any literate American teach without a problem??? That would be the pronunciation and understanding of our national language!!

My plan is simple. … See the world until I can’t anymore. Photo document  my life around the world and I’d like to make friends all over the world and visit places that one would only see in movies on the Travel channel.  While of course, enriching the lives of others and financially supporting myself and who ever would want/like to join me on this adventure! I could easily do this on my own but I feel like human interaction is something that I’m pretty done avoiding.

In carrying out such a plan, there are definitely many hoops and trails on how to approach, take on and conquer this goal successfully. 

One way of doing such would be to just move and put an ad on craigslist.  Another way is by using the contact in Istanbul. It’d be for the college there. It’s guaranteed. The only thing stopping me with this is the uncertainty of where I’d be living.

The best and most official way of doing so would be to obtain training and certificate for the TESOL training certificate. This can either be achieved in or outside the country.  For this option I have narrowed down some schools that seem the most legitimate. As far as teaching standards and prices go.

http://www.teachinghouse.com/

- Schools in the USA, UK, and BC.

http://www.americantesol.com/tesol-job-guarantee.html

- School in Florida * they have a children’s learning program

-http://www.tesolteachers.net/

            -Prices for the school in Florida

http://www.languagecorps.com/

-Guaranteed job offers and a place to live during the training abroad.  *easy to get accepted into. ALSO they have a youtube page.

The ESL process itself is said to be quite easy. That is if you’re first language is English.  From what I can tell, LANGUAGE CORPS definitely offer the most accommodations as far as living conditions and obtaining jobs.  They also interact with students during class exercises.  TEACHING HOUSE is by far the most established as well as the highest funded program in this list.

Let me start off by letting you know that I clearly understand that everyone has their own right to choose who and what happenings occur in ones own life. As such, this note to you is not meant to create unnecessary drama.

I was under the influence that a good and loyal friend can be defined as, someone who listens when you need to talk, helps when your in a situation and mentally assists you during predicaments where a lack of judgment on your own part can be counteracted and supported by avoiding bad situations with only good intentions in mind. All of which I assume is equally your obligation to be just as receptive to those guidelines as the other side of the friendship. 

Thomas Mclean is a great friend.  He has his flaws, but you are absolutely nothing better. Surely, you are well aware of the undeniably dramatic relationship that Thomas has had with Chad in the past. For him it was a traumatic experience of which I am confident that you do not wish to experience he has had.  They clearly just weren’t meant for each other. Chad is a nice guy with great talent. So I can understand why you’d be friends with him as well. I could really care less if you want something more with him.  I have no problem with Chad.  However, like others, I have a huge problem with you.

It’s a huge slap in the face to be so public with how you conduct yourself with Chad when you’re around Thomas.  You know full well how he’s been affected by that relationship. So portraying and expressing yourself in a less than flattering light, leaves much to be expected and creates a less than desirable image of who you are.

I find it disgusting that you’d pursue someone who had been in a relationship with one of your good friends. I can only hope that you’re aware of how that impacts your friendships. How someone could just disregard someone’s emotional stability and feelings for what would be just a fling at best is beyond me.

Why would you willingly converse with your good friends ex? Even when Thomas has been so nice as to let you stay with him on your visit. Considering that he him self is in a considerable financial bind, that was huge a sacrifice for him by risking his own living situation to help you out.  You need to realize that the stableness of financial longevity isn’t easy for everyone else. Not all people at your young age have parents to bail you out just by calling them. Keep in mind that the rest of the world inst stupidly oblivious to the economy.

When Thomas says he doesn’t care if you talk to him or not, what he really means is go ahead with caution but if you get hurt, your on your own.  Are you seriously willing to sacrifice loyalty and trust to befall your own reputation? Seeing as though this is what you do on vacation, I’d hate to know how you treat your friends wherever you normally reside.  Keep in mind that you and I have many friends in common in the art community and I am well aware of how you conduct yourself back in New York. That’s why I never met up with you or wanted to hangout with you when you asked.  You’re not as coy as you think and you’re definitely more of a disgusting pig then a respectable actor. Sadly, you’ll probably take that those connotations as a compliment Ramon, people notice how you conduct yourself publicly and they definitely do talk. One can only assume that a “not so pleasant” reputation will get you nowhere near where you so apparently strive to be some day.

I recognize full well that your going to do who and what you want without any thought of consequence for said actions.  I am simply letting you know you must not take your true friends for granted and think of them as dumb ignorant fools. They’re smarter than you and probably more talented.

 I’ve said my peace. No need to respond. If you choose to do so, do not expect a response. 

June.  This was suppose to be My month. The month everything was going to come together and work itself out. The month that was going set ALL OTHER months apart because of the wonderous things I was going to do. Such as, get into shape, clean out the old house and get into school for the fall. Well… that all changed after Chestnut died.  I kept going to the hospital,  my weight shot up thanks to lack of doing ANYTHING and I got stitches in my leg because the night I decided that this was going to be my month, the familyroom window shattered on me.  It was devastating. I couldn’t do anything. I had finally figured out and experienced that I, David Hanlon,  didn’t have to be in a different state on the mainland in order to get back in physical shape. It was LIFE CHANGING, I kid you not. Why, that very night that I got my leg hurt, I had gone to the gym and power walked all the way back to our house. I realized that if I had done it once that night, I could do it every chance I got.  This epiphany also occurred when I had visited Bow. (the bowflex in the garage).  I had worked out one day for a good hour and really worked wonders. I realized that I could do it. I could get back into shape instead of just sleeping the whole time. Unfortunately, due to my accident with the glass and stitches, I was unable to return to the “home gym”.

HOWEVER….. after tonight, I am SURE that with the right amount of determination and time, I’ll be looking fairly decent. Now I’m not  insisting that I become a muscly guy, or an incredibly tin character either. But I am saying that I can get back in to a decent enough physical state  by the time I leave for San Francisco! MAN THIS FEELS GOOD!

From now until October, I’ll be logging everything I eat.  Carbs, calories, fat, sugar, sodium and protein and fiber.  I will now only have one meal a week, a liquid only diet and the orange flavored coloklysis from dr. Chip.  THAT IS IT>

Working out will be and hour a day and an hour-two hour walk at night.  This HAS TO WORK .  no more sleeping through the day.  I MUST wake up BY 11 am . take two adderalls, and fluoxitine and CALM at night. 

Adoption. The act of legally taking a person and raising them in your own likeness as if the subject was birthed by themselves. That’s Mr. Webster’s way of describing the highly emotional and sometimes awkward situation that many in this world encounter and live with. Some upbringings are horrible and then others are in fact seamless. As though the transaction between birth and legal guardianship had never occurred.  Leaving said children with the understanding that the adopting party is indeed the parents.

But lets look at this “almost perfect” situation from the perspective of the child. With of course, the understanding that throughout the child’s life, they have known all along that they were adopted. This scenario leaves a certain grey area in ones mind as to weather or not the parents are one hundred percent pleased with their transaction that occurred.  For example, a common situation is in any persons life is to observe the interaction between their own guardians and others who have been fortunate enough to bare their own children, as well as seeing the interaction between other children and our subject’s parental guardians. It is hard and improbable to deny that the mind had played a short round of the “what if” game.  The adopted subject’s mind would then go into the mental state of not belonging and therefore going into a thought process of playing out exactly how their life would be. Had there been different circumstances and other variables that differ between subjects. In my own state of being, these thoughts would lead me to mentally list out each physical characteristic that my own guardians and I do not share, and think if I would be treated differently had I shared those attributes.  My mind would wonder.

Another situation of feeling out of place or “not belonging” would be indicated by the interaction of said child’s guardians’ own immediate family. Acceptance by both sides is troublesome and usually unknownby the immediate adopting party. It is inevitable that a certain feeling of difference and/or not belonging will be incorporated by a relative or in some cases more. How ever subtle or straight-forward these points of view come across, the adopted child(s) DO pick up on this sense of rejection. Which is usually at an early age. In my case, the sharing of this indication to my own guardians leads in only disbelief. My own experience of battling this has been done so by exemplifying great personal control and well being that creates sense of purpose and togetherness.  However, this effort in the past has been unsubtly put to rest. Caused by either the joking of stature and accomplishments or by belittling my self worth done so by my own guardian in the company of my relatives.  I don’t blame him for the ridicule that comes my way under people’s breath. My parent knows not what he does or how his humor comes across. 

Public scrutiny is provided by all parents both true parents and guardians. However, the amount of humility and aguish would seem to reside with an adopted child longer than it would had it been inflicted by the true parents. Studies show that the emotional state of adoptees is sixty percent more at risk to mental disablement than a regular child. This is caused by the unhealthy and abnormal acute trauma that the brain goes through during early development.

Just like birds and other animals, the first five years of a human child’s life are crucial. The genomes are programmed to mentally create logical and easy ties to simple things. Such as the senses and motor skills. Just as maternal instincts play apart for the mother, logical growth and instincts of recognizing parents are denied simply by observing the physical similarities between their caregivers and they that do not exist. Which is helped no doubt by being pointed out and confirmed by the adopting guardians. This creates an empty space of recognizing who their parents are. Instead the baby recognizes the adopting guardians as caregivers until later in life which most families neglect to address due to assuming that the mental ties are already there.  This process stunts the growth of the right side of the brain and is replaced with the larger use in the left side of the brain.

With that said, it would seem as though studies dating around 1998 to present, would suggest that the honesty of the guardians at a young age in the adopted children’s life is destructive to mental development. About a year ago, I would’ve liked to disagree. I believe that honesty is the best approach to any parenting style provided that the truth is revealed in a timely and sensitive way. However, after interviewing both adoptees and doctors, I’d like to re-evaluate my own belief. However damaging the news may be, early logical development and mental association are vital in any person’s life. Its not something that you can just put together later. The normal growth that a child goes through in this sense prepares them for adult stability and functionality in the real world by understanding logical explanations to day-to-day occurrences. Something that others and I like me is now without. However, I must try to live on as though I have these standard qualifications. I admit, this way of life is beyond easy. Nor is the thought of living eighty more years at a disadvantage.

As an adolescent, the phrase, “you just don’t understand” comes into play quite a lot. This phrase is usually pertains to conversations (usually emotional), between child and guardian/parent. But what most guardians don’t understand is that they really don’t and probably never will. Unless of course the birth parents mental and social attributes match perfectly with those who have adopted their offspring. Then never mind. But in most cases, there will always be a gap of understanding differences. It’s not like my sister and I can loose the social traits that we have been genetically given. This is very apparent in my own immediate family.

After researching the social ways and anthropology of where I and my sister have been adopted from, my sister very much unknowingly takes social cues from the dominant masculine traits of Eastern European ideology. Where as the man who adopted us is very much the complete opposite.

It has confirmed quite positively and agreed with on based on my previous report and picture of both birth parents and us that I had given. Whomever the birth father was, had the same individuality and thought process as your sister. This is very common in a multiple birth situation. The twins can either be alike or completely opposite.

So therefore, I take after the more strategic and less aggressive traits. Which then also by default means that my sisters physical traits are more alike the birth father than mother. But I believe both of our metabolisms are like the birth mother. Which I had already known based on the picture of them.

Had the birth mother been more of a dominant personality, the physical traits would’ve been more alike between me and my sister. There for, we would had more of a dominant personality, creating more social and physical alikeness between the both of us. Its most likely that whomever the birth fathers parents had been, were both strongly independent and stubborn. Therefore passing on the social similarities that he shares with my twin sister along with physical facial traits.

So when you hear someone say, he acts and looks just like his father, it’s not just by coincidence. I imagine that had my birth father and my adopted father sat down together, they would’ve only gotten along for a small amount of time. Therefore, in that sense, the feeling of not belonging or being unrelated is impassable at times. 

A legacy.  Its meaning is usually benign  to most. But as of tonight,  I have been oh so subtly reminded just what that word means in its entirety.  There is a HUGE list of ivy league schools that my family has attended. As such, the thought of ME going to a “for profit art school” is demeaning and probably a slap in the face to all who have come before me in my family.  Somehow I’m okay with that. I’ve been a suppose-ed successful  college student,  great morals and work ethic. 

My plan has changed. Ive officially given up on Chicago, NYFA, somewhat North Hollywood. Why???? Because ive seen the numbers for building this new house that my parents have been planning. It would be incredibly selfish of me to try to pursue a life out on the mainland on their dime.  

So…. Heres the plan for now… Ready?

Okay,  so I go to WCC and get that math credit. Its gonna take some time but I feel like I can do it. I have to. Theres nothing else I can do until then.  And then after that, I either go to the big island for school or UH. Going to UH would be ideal. But I find it to be a bit daunting .